Not A Sparrow Falls

Image Source

While I've always had faith in my life, admittedly sometimes it has been stronger than others. Most recently it has been challenged by the loss of my Mom 12 days ago. I appear to have been the last one or the only one believing that a miracle could happen to save her from the cancer that was ravaging her increasingly frail body. One of my brothers told me it was important to let her know she could let go and that we would be okay. But I wasn't ready. I'm still not. And I am definitely not okay.

I truly believed she would beat this. She had done it before. Nearly six years to the day. But as her oncologist so matter-of-factly stated....her cancer had came back with a vengeance. We only learned it had come back about a month earlier. ONE month. 34 days later I found myself on my knees at her bedside, holding her hand with my head buried as she took her last breath.

I never asked "why her?" as I knew you could ask "why anyone?" but one thing I would always ask is "why not her?" Why not her be one of those in the slimmest of margins to survive? Why not her? I truly believed and prayed that she be among those very few. But that was not meant to be. I'm reeling at the loss of my Mom and recognize I will never know....why not her? I know in the days ahead I will heal and learn to replace the overwhelmingly sad feelings with only fond memories of my Mom.

Until then, there have been a couple of things that I've found comfort in and hold on to when my day is getting the better of me. I'm reminded of a verse in the bible referring to the title I have chosen for my blog, Not A Sparrow Falls. Matthew chapter 10 verse 29 says, "Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it."

What this means to me is that each life has meaning. Even if we may not see it, God does. That even a tiny sparrow who falls is recognized and important to God. I know that my Mom is with him now and it gives me comfort knowing that I am not the only one who saw the importance of her time on earth. That someone much bigger than me knew how incredible she was and just how much she mattered.

I'll continue to hold on to this verse and repeat it as often as needed as I start this new chapter in my life. The one that leaves me without the physical presence of my Mom. Even if you are not struggling with the same thing I am, I hope by sharing my thoughts on this verse, that you may find comfort and strength in it as well. We all matter and all of our lives have meaning.

Now I promise not to flood my blog with only sad posts. I hope to share some of the happier moments as well. I don't know if anyone will ever even read this but my hope is that in writing it, it helps me move forward in a positive way that will help me honor my Mom and live my life in the same manner that she did that had such a lasting impact on so many others.