Mother's Day in Heaven

Dear Mom,

It's been 48 days since you went to heaven. It's been 48 days since I've seen your face, heard your voice or been able to give you a hug. I called the house a few times now and got to hear you on the answering machine. The first time Dad didn't answer and I heard it, it stopped me right in my tracks. It makes me cry each time I hear your voice. Sometimes I call when I know Dad is at bible study or with the squad just to hear you. I thought I saw you the other day. Isn't that funny? Of course it wasn't you. But it made me do a double take only to remember that I won't be bumping into you in that way anymore. I try to see you in other ways now. I've always liked the stars but they have new meaning now. I often look at them at night and talk to you. Do you hear me? I'd like to believe that you do. I heard a quote last month regarding the stars. It says.... ""Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." Neat huh? I hope it's true.

What is heaven like Mom? Have you seen my Godmother? Are you with her now? How about your brother? And Grandpa Lee? And Esther, Elsie, Uncle Bill and everyone else? I'm certain you're with Z and every pet we ever had too. I know that would make you happy. When I get sad, which is pretty darn often, I try as hard as I can to remember that you must be really happy to be with everyone in heaven. But Mom.....I still wish you were here. I have some dreams where I wake up and hope that you are still alive but it doesn't take long to rediscover the truth. You were in my dreams a lot more a few weeks ago. I don't know if you can do this, but can you please come in my dreams again? I miss you and in my dreams we get to be together. I would like that very much.

So I'm writing you this letter as Mother's Day is just two days away. I am so unsure of how to handle it. I won't even be home as I have to fly out for a business trip and had no choice but to leave on Sunday. I wish I didn't have to go. And Mom......I needed to share with someone how painful it is being reminded every minute with all the Mother's Day festivities going on that you're not here to celebrate. I'm trying to brace myself for everyone cheerfully celebrating the holiday with their Moms when I don't get to. I wish I would have done a better job celebrating you when you were here. I'm so sorry about that. Sigh.

I want to do something for you. I want to do something instead of leaving flowers at the memorial to honor you but I don't know what. I would like to name a star after you, plant a flower or maybe a tree...just something. Something different. But again, I don't know what. I'm struggling trying to figure something out and all of this is making me really sad. I know, I know....."Don't be sad." You wouldn't want that and there are a lot of times I'm okay. Honest. This weekend just isn't one of them. I've got a bunch of emotions all swirling around at once right now. It's hard to battle them all.

I was really struggling after you died so I started a blog where I get to talk about you. It's kind of like your CaringBridge site that you called a "blob". You always made me giggle when you called it that. So I have one of those "blobs" called Not A Sparrow Falls. It's allowed me to meet some other women who have lost their mom too. Some to breast cancer, some not. Even the ones who haven't lost their Mom seem to genuinely reach out to me. Isn't that sweet? They allow me to share you with them and it feels really good. One day one of them mentioned that my blog was honoring you and I hope you see it that way too. I had never thought of it in that way before. But I do want to honor you Mom. I don't know if I did a good enough job doing that when you were still here and I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry if I didn't let you know how special you were and how much you meant to me. And now I don't have that chance.

And I don't know what the right thing to do is about Mother's Day. I feel pressure to do the right thing but I don't know what that is. Can you please know that I'm trying to handle everything with grace and in a manner that you would be proud of? In a way that would honor you and leave you without any doubt how still so very important you are to me. I hope I don't disappoint you. Maybe it doesn't need to be this grand gesture but to me it's important that you know how I feel about you. So I hope whatever I do, that it leaves you feeling treasured and cherished and loved and honored and every other positive emotion I feel when I think of you. I love you so very much Mom and I miss you terribly. I want you to have the best Mother's Day ever in heaven. And I want to do my part here on earth to make that happen. I promise to do my best.

Happy Mother's day Momma. I love you. -b