I am so emotional right now. My Dad was in the ER today. He is okay and at home resting comfortably now. I however am a wreck.
This was the same hospital my Mom died in six months ago.
What an incredibly powerful trigger to snap me right back to that horrible day. I held myself together and don't think I even realized how emotional is was for me until my Dad was taken away to complete various scans and ultrasounds. I was alone now in the ER room and completely fell apart. I have been crying ever since. I only managed to pull myself together when he was discharged to get him home safely.
Just parking my car, crossing the street and entering those doors left me weak in the knees. The IVs, machines, scans, procedures, doctors and nurses. It was all too much for me. I am so rattled.
And I'm feeling guilty. I should have been 100% focused on my Dad but the memories of that day kept surfacing. I did everything needed to correspond with the doctors on what was going on and what needed to be done for my Dad but the emotions surrounding that hospital and the loss of my Mom outweighed everything else. He had to be feeling it too but he's much stronger than I. He never said a word about my Mom.
I don't know why I'm even posting this. I guess I don't know what else to do.
I am shaken, scared and sad.
I miss my Mom so much. Everything surrounding her death was so terrible. I guess today just reminded me of it all and that hospital may always be an anchor to that awful day.
My heart is definitely still broken.
Monday, August 30, 2010
An Anchor To That Awful Day
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It is strange how something like that can trigger past emotions. I'm sorry that happened. I hope that your Dad is doing okay. He probably felt the same way. It has only been 6 months so those memories are way too painful. ((((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteYesterday was the anniversary of my Dad's passing.....6 years ago. I heard "I can only imagine" on the radio. I couldn't believe it. I think I mentioned before that was the one song that I had them play at my Dad's service. The person we had singing didn't know it. We scrambled to find it on a CD It was a woman singing it. We used a little CD player in the back of the room. Still sounded like angels singing it. Love that song.
Thinking of you....!!!!
Oh sweetie I am so sorry! I hope your dad is okay! I have to drive by the hospital where we delivered Ella Grace and some days just driving by is enough to send me spiraling downward!! Just sending you love and hugs sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes we are sent just the right amount of adrenalin to get us through rough spots like this. Also, remember that grief is a process, and it is an individual road for everyone who travels it. There are groups that can help you deal with your feelings if you do not have someone you can talk to about all that is going on inside. I'm sending you a big hug, and make sure you give yourself one too. I am sure you will feel your mother's arms around you at that same time giving you her strength and love.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I seen this on my facebook page and I had to just come give you some bloggy friend support :(
ReplyDeleteOh, B, I'm so sorry. I hope your Dad feels better. You and him should talk about stuff, he might be needing someone to talk to just like you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
ReplyDeleteI think that is just SUCH a normal reaction B... But still, I hate that you had to go through that. I hate that there is so much pain. I hate that I can't give you a big fat hug of support!
ReplyDeleteOh my friend....hugs. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI've been told that the first year after losing someone is the hardest. I lost my Aunt who was very precious to me, and I went through a divorce that I didn't want. I remember thinking....a year ago at this time...when she was alive...when we were together....it does get easier. I no longer mourn for my ex-husband. Acutally, I now wonder why I ever married him! LOL! But my Aunt, I will never get over losing her, however it is easier. I don't cry as often, and I laugh more thinking of the good times. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure your Dad was feeling the same way, plus he was probably a bit scared for himself. Men just don't show emotions like women do. Hang in there - our blogger thoughts and hugs are with you. Cindy
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