Yesterday I shared with you that I’m broken. I am broken and I feel so lost inside. I also shared with you that it wasn’t just the loss of my Mom that left me feeling this way.
The change started taking place a few years ago. Those who knew me just a few short years ago wouldn’t even recognize me today. Outwardly I look pretty much the same. But inside I feel like I’m just a shell of who I used to be.
A few years ago I was a highly successful professional making a difference, traveling the world (for work) and loving every minute of it. I was a recognized expert in my field having stood in front of over 25,000 people around the world educating them on critical topics in our industry. I was driven, I worked hard and I LOVED what I did.
I was also surrounded by genuine, loving and supportive friends that I completely and utterly adored. You could not find more true friends than what I had.
I lived in a culturally and ethnically diverse area that I also adored. I loved so much about where I lived. I loved the weather, the food, the nature, and the various venues for entertainment and involvement in the community and so much more.
I maintained strong relationships with my family and never once lost sight of how important my health, family, friends and faith were to me.
I was also financially very secure. I really couldn’t complain about much at all.
That was then.
Four years later I had lost all of that except for one, my family. And then along came cancer and claimed my mother’s life.
While I still have the rest of my family, and I'm grateful for that, there’s an awfully big hole in it now.
This is now.
Now I hate where I live. I only like that my Dad and brother are close.
I have few friends. Working out of my home and being a single mom hasn’t lent itself well to meeting new people.
My finances are a mess. Having a child with special needs that no-one would insure has not been kind to me financially. I am one illness away from being completely destroyed.
My health is suffering. I don’t eat right. I can’t sleep most nights. I never exercise and my anxiety and stress levels are at an all time high.
My faith has also been shaken. I still pray every night and am a strong believer, but I’m not anywhere close to where I used to be spiritually.
And of course now, I am without my Mom. My spirit has been broken and my life has been turned upside down trying to deal with that loss.
Tomorrow….what I’m going to do about it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
That Was Then, This is Now
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I so feel for you. I was feeling a bit down today, but I am going to shape up because you gave me perspective. Maybe that is what you have to find too. Focus on what you have as your post made me do, and work from there.
ReplyDeleteMaybe one thing you might consider is that you do not have to deal with this loss alone. It sounds like you have a lot riding your your shoulders, and that could make anyone flounder. I hope you have someone in your life that you can talk to face-to-face. If you do not, find that someone in your life you trust and can talk to. They will help you find that perspective and help you move on from where you are.
You have had a lot of change in your life. That I do know about. When I married and our first was on the way, I knew I didn't want to teach and be a mom. I gave up my job willingly, not realizing just how closely my friends and independence were also tied to that decision. I live about 40 miles away from where I taught, so I don't see those friends I had for 16 years very often. Our lives go on, and things change. It is just dealing with the change and making the adjustments we need to make to move on from that change that we sometimes need s bit of help doing.
WOW! I hate to tell you I was an English teacher after that last sentence! Keep blogging and working through your emotions. You will get past this point to better days. It's just that right now there are a few clouds between you and the sunshine.
Sounds like you have a plan and I am ready to hear it because I am concerned for you my blogger friend. You know...I don't think you ever 'get over' losing a loved one. Especially a parent or a child. My 75 year old Dad was just talking to me today about how it felt to lose his Dad, when he was only 14 years old. He had 6 siblings and they had to move, they had no money, and their Mom was legally blind. I was thinking about the difference of getting through something and getting over something. I'm sometimes not good at explaining myself, but it seems to me you will get through it. People do. But you'll never get over it. To get over it would mean you would have to love her less, and that will never happen. I went through a divorce and while I was going through it, I still loved him. When I stopped loving him, I got over it. So I think, you get through it, and the hurt will lessen, but the love never will. Make sense? Cindy
ReplyDeleteOh B, I kind of felt there must be something else wrong. Way too much wrong. From being a Mom of a special needs child myself, it can be so hard. I earned every white hair on my head. Luckily my son came medical care included. What a worry for you. I wish I could reach right through this screen and hug you. I know my experience with my son would give you some hope. I will be praying for you dear. Hope things get better. You do need to take care of yourself but understand how you feel. ((((HUGS))))
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