Don't Pollyanna Me

I had the luxury of spending the morning with my boyfriend today. After some hot cocoa and goodies, we settled in under a blanket and turned on the morning news. A segment came on about St. Jude's Hospital. I believe it was about an opportunity the children had to have some fun. All I remember is seeing a golden retriever mixed in with the children.

"This is making me sad." I informed my boyfriend. "You should look at the happy side of the story." was his reply as he handed me the remote. "Don't Pollyanna me." I said with much harsher words at the tip of my tongue.

I've really struggled the last few days and I must be exceptionally grumpy. The upcoming holiday season has been wearing on me.

I've been pushing the thought of Thanksgiving out of my mind and now it's just a few days away and I have no idea what to do. All I do is cry when I think about it.

I've been avoiding my boyfriend's question about plans for Thanksgiving so much that it led him to believe I didn't want to be with him. "Don't make it personal." I pleaded. "How could I not?" he asked.

We started to argue about it. I couldn't believe he couldn't understand what I must be feeling about the holidays without my Mom.

He wouldn't let it go and I lost it. "I've got a newsflash for you!" I said growing more angry. "My Mom is dead! I don't have any plans for Thanksgiving to make you a part of! I wish it wasn't even going to be Thanksgiving!"

I then excused myself and went into the bathroom and cried.

My God this is painful. I'm sure it's to be expected and of course I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but I didn't realize just how much.

I wish I was further along in my healing but I'm not.

I'm sad and I'm pissy. I'm pessimistic and I'm ornery. Or so I've been told.

And today I would really just like to tell the world to F-Off. Classy I know.

There's an anger stage in the grief cycle right? Well I'm pretty sure I've got it locked down right now.